Hi, I'm new. Additionally, people with Aspergers may have a hard time coping with change, which can make it difficult to resolve disagreements. Love can be concealed in the form of anger, pain, shock, or grief. It can be difficult when you are married to someone who has Aspergers. Biblical is very subjective. We are not married to perfect men nor are we perfect. Id encourage you to read his intro on Amazon where his wife asked him to take the test and his response. Thank you! )., Ask yourself what the big picture is. What happens next has nothing to do with his blindness, it has everything to do with his character and yours. The issue cannot be solved by naming it. I suspect that my husband is on the spectrum. There is no one personality type for the Asperger's adult. Be flexible even if it hurts my brain a little. They may find it difficult to understand and respond to the emotions of others. Consider their perspective and their . I dont know the future. Mental rigidity and slow processing can often have an ASD partner relate in a way that is negative. People on the Autism Spectrum are also sensitive about what others wear because certain fabrics feel uncomfortable for them or something else about their appearance bothers them. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. Asperger's syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Living with Aspergers spouse takes a lot of compromise on the part of their partner. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. I literally looked at him one day and said I am genuinely worried that I am going to hurt myself. It fits 100 percent. It is my husband who is the destructive relationship in our family. I am very fearful of how incapable of caring for the children he is. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. Thanks. Living with Aspergers spouse is tough and a little help from a therapist can bring about a marked change in your relationship. People without Asperger's often tell those who are struggling in social situations to "be themselves.". In this blog post, we will discuss some of the signs that indicate it is time to end your marriage. I don't mean to say. People with Aspergers may also have difficulty making conversation or keeping up conversations because of how they interact socially and what topics they choose to talk about if any at all. 2.6K Followers. For example, most neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. Be curious. People with AS exhibit empathy despite being stigmatized as such, despite the fact that this is a mental illness that harms their ability to communicate. My partner needs to be the #1 priority. And, as I just stayed right there in that moment, life was good. 2 more replies. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. When dating someone with Aspergers syndrome, you must be extremely clear about what you require. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. For my husband, if anyone touches his arm while talking with him, he will flinch away and seems annoyed at first. It has been so damaging to me though. You must grieve these real losses and your desire for the deep emotional connection you thought you would have in marriage. My partner is just trying to feel closer to me.. A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. Another challenge could be difficulty communicating needs to others due to the fact that he often doesnt know how to ask for what he wants or feels too overwhelmed by social situations. Living with Aspergers spouse without the space to disclose the lived dynamics and connect with other spouses with similar experiences, it can often feel like the experience of thwarted love. I am clinically depressed and on antidepressants. We are wired to connect from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives. As a couples counselor and author working with couples where one (or both) partners have a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis of Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Ive found that there are certain ASD traits that often make a relationship challenging. I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. I feel guilty and scared. Remember, most issues arent important enough to jeopardize our relationship. Hi Leslie, Understanding what your triggers are and planning ahead for ways to circumvent them is key. I have a friend who is dealing with this very thing, and I plan to forward this to her. We have a daughter and a grandchild. For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Aspergers syndrome, there is a free test for it at www.aspergerstestsite.com. It is often referred to as autism spectrum disorder or high-functioning autism instead. People with the spectrum are frequently unable to form and maintain relationships in adulthood due to a lack of social and communication skills. There can be many reasons why my husband may have Aspergers. People with autism may struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection. I do care about him but cannot call it love at this point. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. It's like trying to squeeze the contents of a book into a paragraph. No, he doesnt not agree with his ASD and bipolar Dx. My son is on the spectrum as well. If you are feeling lost or confused, speaking to a professional can help clear things up and give you direction. I love him dearly and know he is a good person and has love in him. It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to have difficulty with social interaction. My dreams for a Christian home and family never materialized. According to his mother, Jared was always a finicky child, even from the time he was a baby. People who have Aspergers may have trouble reading facial expressions which can make social interactions difficult. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. However, there are some deal breakers as I call them in marriage that if they arent addressed or accepted or owned and changed they will ruin a relationship because forbearance would be dangerous to ones soul, spirit and body and then its time for a big ol NO WAY! Autism patients are bisexual or aromantic, and they are looking for partners with similar preferences. Sometimes too late. This may include speaking to a lawyer, therapist, or even a financial advisor. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? Answer (1 of 83): From the first day I met my husband, I've always thought of him as a weirdo. Sometimes, an ASD individual can be an over-talker, especially when anxious. That can often help to avoid meltdowns and aggressive behaviors. The symptoms can range in severity, so not everyone who has Aspergers will experience the same challenges. 5 Ways to Fall Out of Love After Infidelity, OCD and Sex: How OCD Can Impact Your Sex Life and How to deal, What Is Spiritual Abuse in Marriage & How to Heal, 15 Subtle Signs Your Husband Resents You & What to Do About It, 10 Pros and Cons of Getting Sole Custody of a Child, 10 Tips to spend the holidays when your marriage is in crisis, Treading Carefully: Getting Back Together After Separation, 3 Ways Separation in Marriage Can Make a Relationship Stronger, 10 Things You Must Know Before Separating From Your Husband, 12 Steps to Rekindle a Marriage After Separation, How to Combat the 5 Glaring Effects of Anxiety After Infidelity, How to Have a Trial Separation in the Same House, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. In October 2016, when Jared was 34 years old, we found out he has Asperger's syndrome. There is no reasoning with these men, dont get tangled up with trying to get them to see a different opinion, they never will. But so does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bi-polar, or a spouse who is chronically unemployed or has a host of other difficulties. Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial. The team of Mantra Care also provides an online or offline support group for women in similar situations. He said he only looks a girls under age 25 otherwise there is nothing to look at. When it seemed like things overall were not changing, and I was constantly disappointed that he didnt seem to be responding to what I thought were simple pleas for what might help me be able to function better in the relationship, I still clung on but now for very selfish reasons (fear of leaving, not wanting to lose a home). I do feel guilty looking out for myself, especially since I did commit to this marriage, no matter how hesitant I was (as I am so often reminded). He was a computer person and often states how much harder his job was than mine. It describes those who are living with chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the Autism/NT marriage. When they leave he goes back to the silent nice guy that watches tv in his own world and without expression then goes to bed at 9:30! I have two grandchildren on the spectrum. Several years ago, Miriams son was diagnosed with autism. Bottom line is that I didnt feel loved for just me; and Im sure he didnt feel loved for just him. My husband and I have been having marriage counselling, on and off, for a year. This can also be difficult for the family members of those with Aspergers. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Think of marriage as an opportunity to learn and . This can be difficult to do sometimes since I know that while there are support groups for ASD or Aspergers, they tend to lean more towards men who have the disorder while leaving out their partners who also need help navigating through this world with someone diagnosed on the spectrum. He is an NT fully capable of being kind, considerate, etc., but chooses not to. They may just find it difficult to understand social cues or read other peoples body language. Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship, 10 Ways to Deal With a Controlling Micromanaging Spouse, 15 Benefits of Group Therapy in Relationships. Saturday our therapist suggested spectrum issues. Spouses with Aspergers can initially meet a need within the relationships and these traits can often be seen as attractive. No matter what decision you make, its important to do whats best for you. Ask: What are the sensations in my body? I knew he had problems but choose to stay with him. Another benefit is that my husband can be a great father. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. Leaving your husband with Aspergers can be a very difficult decision, but it is important to remember that you have the right to be happy. Almost immediately, I saw that our issues were just going to exacerbate one another, but tried to swallow some of his issues that caused me anxiety because I was married now and should try to make it work. I gave up. My youngest is now 21. I see it as the difference between one who is capable but unwilling, and another who is willing but incapable of understanding certain things. Improve your emotional wellbeing whenever and wherever you want. He let me know he was only attracted to short blond and young women. And daily chronic paper cuts to the heart (very little comfort, touch, praise, empathy, sharingand struggles to explain this complex disorder to others, Well, he seems fine, thats just how men are, right? What should I do? People with Aspergers often seem to live in their own world. A marriage or other long-term relationship can only succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into it. The interactions between Aspergers spouse and the other spouse can have a long-term impact leading to ongoing stress cycles. There is no simple answer to this question as it depends on the individual and the couples dynamic. It also helps him feel valued as well. Many people with Aspergers are extremely honest and literal. I love him of course but I feel daunted and worry about his future. Take 10 deep breaths. Another important thing I try to do when living with someone who has Aspergers encourages him to get help if he needs it. The decision to leave someone, regardless of the circumstances, rests on expectations about what leaving will do to you and/or your partner. Ill be speaking 7 different times, some on panels, but I will need. It wasnt until we got married that I realized how difficult life could be with someone with this condition. In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. This can be difficult, but it is important to try to understand your husbands perspective. Aspergers intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the other partner. This will help him understand where you are coming from and may make it easier for him to let go of the relationship. This may include various ways, however, it is important to stay strong and have a clear mind while you are making this decision. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. The majority of people with high-functioning autism have excellent cognitive abilities. Positive mental health essentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. My husband can be lovely and the slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown. Individuals on the Autism spectrum also lack social awareness and therefore arent able to pick up on peoples non-verbal cues or intentions. ), Theres a lot of overlap. Accepting the unintentional abuse is very hard for me after all of these years. In relationships, we often look for a synchronized response from our partners to feel validated, anchored and held in the relationship. I want to go to part time at work now that i am 62 and you can imagine what kind of a fight has ensued. To answer your question, Is my husband accepting of his diagnosis? Question My husband is on the autism spectrum. It really varies from person to person. I have been with my husband for nearly 50 years and so much of what she said echoed my own experiences. This can be due to the fact that he may feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in social situations. So almost 12 years without intimacy. My husband abandoned me emotionally, and physically when I was just 50 years of age. The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. Our first counselor completely missed it and told me my needs are too great and I need to adjust them (trust me they arent or I never would have made it this long). Is your safety or sanity unimportant because hes ill? One sign of Aspergers is having a rigid thinking pattern. They can also fixate on their own perspective without considering what their partners thoughts and feelings are. What am I feeling?. This is especially true if your husband has Aspergers. I wonder if any of the attachment parenting did anything to help. Dont cut your partner off when theyre speaking. Within a society that holds different social expectations for men and women in marriage, the dynamics within each partnership would have its own individual presentation. Hes been married a long time, has three children. Did not feel safe. No, he does not feel concern or the need to read about it or adjust anything. People with autism spectrum disorders are no longer stigmatized in the medical community thanks to the therapeutic community. We seek out romantic love desperately in our culture regardless of our differences. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? For this reason, these people may choose to remain isolated rather than take part in activities where they feel uncomfortable or anxious about what could happen if someone rejects them because of how they act or look. It is critical to understand that Aspergers, like anyone else, have the ability to love and be loved. As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. As a result, he often misses or misinterprets what someone really means, especially emotional nuances within conversations. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any. One sign could be poor motor skills. Another benefit of living with my husband who has Asperger is learning patience and tolerance. so is mine. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. This could include problems with sensory processing, anxiety, and depression. I just wanted the same thing everyone else had. You can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app. Thank God we do not have kids of our own. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. My husband has a hard time deciphering sarcasm and jokes. Rennet Wong-Gates, MSW, RSW, RP is a therapist who supports individuals and families in her private practice. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and I can honestly say that it has not always been easy. After years of this I was in crisis. He has told me the reason he does not want my name on the house title is so I can not get half if there is a divorce. One negative effect is that I can feel overwhelmed at times. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. All though I will admit he worked from home most evenings. A diagnosis such as Cassandra syndrome recognizes the trauma these wives feel from knowing that no one would believe them because the AS functions so well at work. I dont believe I have ever known a person that is so nice and friendly that could tear your heart out throw it on the ground and walk off and say it was my fault and have people who know him agree! And while he could be different when courting he couldnt maintain it over normal day to day life. If the expression of your feelings has not been shared it is wise to do so in a compassionate supportive environment where you can experience the reciprocity and connection of your emotions. He told me I was not his type. key word there willing. He let me know he would not be home after work but he would be at the bar 5 nights a week and not to make dinner for him. They may also have difficulty understanding sarcasm or jokes. I hope this article was helpful. Seek professional help if necessary in order to make the best decision for yourself. Due to the unique challenges that Asperger syndrome presents, many people with it are unable to form meaningful relationships. Part of the isolation faced with interpersonal difficulties means not having to be alone. Married a long time, has three children not uncommon for people with autism free Android or iOS.. 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